One dream, one step, one life, one decision

Today as I woke up, my body was stiff and sore. I had walked the mountains yesterday for only 3,5 hours, yet it felt like I had walked the whole day.
But here is the thing, it takes twice and sometimes 3 times the effort then normal, why you wonder, well I am having to retrain my legs to walk and in the process re train my mind on how to tell my legs how to walk.

Its one thing to just get up and walk automatically, but if I do that my legs from the same pattern they had for nearly 30 years. So here I am breaking 30 years of incorrect walking. This is hard work. And today I felt muscles in me that I did not know existed. This is exciting yet in so many ways really hard. There were times when we were walking that I just felt like falling back into my old way but as I would do that, I would feel myself fighting not to go back to the old. And then of course Megan caught on and noticed the difference and then when she saw me reverting back to my old walk she would tell me and stop me and then we would begin all over again.

Its so true how our minds can control how we think, function and dream. I have had a dream to climb a mountain for long now, I have made a decision to do it, I have one life to do it in and I will take one step at a time to get there no matter what. Even if it means I spend 3,5 hours walking in a circle saying to myself constantly “ heel toe, heel toe, heel toe”.
And praise God I only fell once; this was a record in so many ways. It was kind of sore but the best thing to do when you fall down is to get back up and keep going. Great lesson to learn in life. So for those of you reading this, I dare you to go for a dream you have had, and even though you might have fallen a few times, just get up, dust yourself off and keep going.
I have been reading this book. Its called “Holding On, Jo Gambi” its about a couple who climbed the seven summits. The husband was in remission after two bouts of cancer when they did it. It’s an incredible story. But there is this part, which I loved and thought it would be good to share, as it’s about pushing through our minds and dreaming even when we feel its impossible. Enjoy it………….


“ Thirty minutes out of high camp I had reached the rock bands but felt panicky. My breathing was still frenzied, I had found no rhythm since leaving high camp and now I had to climb. I slid my ascender up and scrabbled for purchase on the snow-covered rock. Even my first few moves left me limp. Groaning inside my mask I fought every move, then hung my harness, unable to lift hand or foot. Devoid of strength, my legs were shaking and hauling my weight up with my arms was agonizing. I forced myself upwards once more and sank back in my harness again. I fumbled to adjust my goggles and mask but with clumsy mitten hands I had just made things worse. Thoughts screamed inside my head. “This is not possible. Its too hard, I have reached my limit.”

Russell’s words that Cho Oyu was just a game compared to Everest reverberated inside my dulled mind, taunting me. “If Everest is harder then this – its inconceivable, impossible it will kill me for sure. There is no way I am doing Everest” my mind raced in a blur of unanswered questions and declarations. I was about to expire with the effort. I had never given up in my life, yet even in my state of high altitude oblivion I felt strangely relieved to have made the decision. Saying no to Everest, I felt as if I had come to my senses. I had discovered my limits and I could finally be at peace.

As my mind had been working, my body had continued robotically clawing its way up the rock. With each desperate move I was still gaining height and the long feared rock band was passing beneath me. Bracing myself against the steep snow, I was breathing so fast my throat felt narrowed to a crack and my rib muscles burned with the effort.

‘Sorry Loppasang,’ I gasped, ‘rest here, please’
“Ok,’ he replied. Loppasang was breathing hard too behind his oxygen mask, but his presence was calming. Looking around I decided this was a safe place to turn back. “I could give up now and stop all this pain. Yes this is a good place to halt this nonsense before its too late.’ But as if reading my mind, Loppasang breathlessly announced, “climb now better, Didi.’ Before my brain could even engage, his comment rekindle a fire inside me. My heart surged with excitement and within seconds my mind had leapt over an abyss. I’d never felt so utterly incapable of taking another step, yet I was doing just that. In my abject weakness, primitive desire had kept me going through the torturous rock bands and now I was ready to push for the summit. Nothing was going to turn me around. ………..

Nearing the summit plateau, our team had split up. Rob had pulled ahead with a renewed determination in his step. I was 50 meters behind and the others were out of sight. The summit was just half a kilometer away, though it would take an hour to reach. My steps remained painfully slow but my mind had changed gear. After all the doubts and questioning, it finally felt like we were going to get there.
Then at 9am, after nearly six weeks of struggling, I had finally arrived at the prayer flags marking the summit of Cho Oyu. Falling on my knees I rested motionless for what seemed like an eternity.

Heading back to Advance Base Camp the following morning, just hours after feeling at deaths door, and the most peculiar and uninvited thoughts popped up on the screen of my mind. “Well you managed Cho Oyu, so why not Everest?” I could not believe my thoughts, let alone comprehend them. Could something inside me really be contemplating Everest? How could the slate of my memory be wiped clean, and so soon?

Over the following days we returned to base camp and finally started our journey home to Katmandu. As we waited at the border post the subject of Everest came up with Russell. In his familiarly blunt style he gave us his verdict. “Your rope work and technical skills are solid, you’re good in the team and you’ve managed to climb above 8000 meter, but” he paused to look at us, ‘if you’re going to stand a chance with Everest, you’ve got to really want it.’
Looking at each other, we already knew the answer. Rob drew in his breath,’ yes we really want to climb it.” Russell looked at me as I nodded in full agreement and that was it. We had finally declared that we wanted to climb Everest. For the first time our dream had become a tangible possibility.

“Great, it will be fantastic having you guys along. I will put you down for the 2004 team,’ Russell said with a broad smile. ‘Of course, I don’t know if you’ve got what it takes to summit Everest, but if you are successful, I promise it will change your lives forever.”